Barclay, I like what you initially have going on with your storybook. I think you have chosen a good topic that will allow you a lot of wiggle room and creative control over where the stories take us. From reading your introduction it seems as though you are going to base your storybook off a storytelling setting in which an Elder of Lanka describes the feats of Ravana to its young inhabitants. I think this is a good beginning for the introduction but it may later limit the amount of conversation that can be had during the retellings you choose to work with. From the other works I have looked at the home page is the initial view we will have to your storybook and is used to draw your audience in and continue their interest in your work. I would suggest elaborating on your design of this page by adding more pictures and possibly darkening up the design, it is Ravana who you are talking about. You might also add a small description on the home page of what it is that your storybook describes and gives your readers a peak at what is in store further within. I don't mean to be overly critical but I hope my comments will help you in the long run. You have a great start and just need to keep on expanding.
Good introduction, Barclay. I like the images you paint in the readers mind with the descriptive adjectives at the beginning of the introduction. I also think it does a great job hooking the reader into the story. However, one thing you could work on is keeping this “hooking” theme throughout the entire introduction. I felt that as I progressed through your introduction, the descriptive adjectives and enticing properties of the introduction seemed to disappear. However, your writing was very clear and concise. I felt that I was able to quickly capture what you wanted to say without trying to decipher your thesis from a bunch of fluff. I felt you did an excellent job relating the stories to the Ramayana. You chose a pretty loose topic, so you will be able to come up with some pretty interesting stuff for your storybooks! One thing I would work on is the layout of the storybook. I think your storybook could use a larger image on the front page. The larger image would draw the reader into your story more and paint a more descriptive picture in the readers mind. Maybe add a picture or 2 on the introduction page itself? I just think you need more direct attention grabbers, but overall great storybook!
Thank you so much for your comments on my blog! I really appreciate your comment about my storybook and I'm so glad that my storybook has inspired you to work on the layout of yours. (:
Home Page: I would enjoy the picture being a lot larger to better grab people’s attention.
Introduction: Did Ravana build a throne room? I thought Viswakarman was the architect of all of Lanka. Viswakarman built Lanka for Ravana’s family long before he was born. It is something to look into. O how detailed a gruesome. I like how you captured the true character of the evil rakshasas by showing that they did not hesitate to deform one of their human servants. Not only did they not hesitate they also enjoyed it. One other thought is the time line of Lanka. After Ravana was defeated, his brother, Vibhishana (the one who took refuge with Rama), took over Lanka. Vibhishana was a GOOD rakshasas and fairly ruled over Lanka. Clearly your story takes place after Ravana is defeated, so what happens to the good rule of Vibhishana? How do the demons once again go back to their evil ways? Do they? These were some things I noticed about your story. I get what you are trying to do by having Ravana’s story told by future fellow evil demons and I like the idea, but Viswakarman and Vibhishana might be characters to consider when revising and writing future stories.
The Legend of Ravana: Again I would make the picture a little larger, to draw more attention to it. In the author’s note you said that you did research on Ravana’s story, but I didn’t see a citation in your bibliography. You should include that source (Mainly because I wanted to read more about your story and that would have been very helpful just to be able to click on a link.). Honestly I don’t recall a lot of Ravana’s beginning story because it confused me a bit. So in that way I really liked how reading your story served as a little bit of clarification on what happened.
Hey, Barclay! Your storybook is really good so far- I like how much detail you included and how you were able to come up with your own explanations and ideas on how Ravana became so powerful. Your introduction was very dramatic and you did a good job of emphasizing the darkness of the rakshasas and how even as children they are trained to be bloodthirsty and terrible. I couldn’t help but cringe for the slave but that was probably the point so you did a good job on that. As for your first story, I loved the ideas you had about how Ravana was bright and how he was really cunning – those are key qualities for powerful leaders of dark intent. Also, you set up the storybook for another story in a really great way. The content of the storybook is very good; if I had to make a suggestion, I would encourage you to pick darker colors/background for the site so that it seems more dark and scary as opposed to white and not so scary. Besides that, your content is wonderful and I am really looking forward to reading more of your storybook. Keep up the wonderful work!
Really great first story, Barclay. I like how formal it is. It really comes across as a serious, historically important story that was perfectly told. I like how you used the storytelling theme in your storybook. It really makes me feel like I am sitting next to a camp fire listening to you tell stories of Rama and Ravana, so it makes it a lot more interesting an entertaining! I like how you start off your first story by relating Ravana to the kids listening to the story when you said, “Ravana had a mother and father just like each one of you.” I think it really adds to the story telling theme of your project and is great descriptive language! You did a great job going into detail about each of the characters and accurately conveying the important aspects about each character with a limited number of words, so great job with that! Even though you really stick to a storytelling theme, maybe you could have the kids ask a question or two in your story and then answer it. I think it shows that you are actively engaged in telling the story and would add some more dialog to the story. Overall, great job!
Hi Barclay! I enjoyed reading your storybook! The image at the beginning was excellent and it was very complementary to your design and topic. I like how your design is simple yet interesting-- it doesn't distract from your story. The introduction was very good. I might suggest a picture to give the page more pop. It can be hard to read a block of text, but perhaps a picture and also more spacing might draw readers in. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. You had a great use of setting and characters. The repulsive things the children did were put into context with them being rakshasas, and you portrayed that well. I like the story for your first title; I'm a huge fan of alliteration, so I loved the sound of it. I really liked reading about Ravana's origin; it's not something I read in my research. It was great reading something not in the Ramayana. In your notes you mentioned you wanted to portray Ravana as ruthless and cunning, and you accomplished that. One suggestion that is just personal preference, no need to do it, maybe have the children ask questions or interject? It would add some richness on top of a great work. Great job!
Barclay, I really like the cover art you have chosen on your cover page. It is a terrific depiction of Ravana. I think that you could add a little pizazz to your storybook’s theme, but whatever floats your boat. You need to add an image to your introduction, its required. I am surprised that Professor Gibbs did not get you on that. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the introduction to your story. You are a terrific writer, as I have noted on your other posts. I do not think you need a comma between foes and “and slaves stood by ready.” Your story has quite the negative and almost haunting tone. I do not like reading about how the children tortured the human slaves. I like the way you began your story with one of the elder rakshasas telling a story. I think it is pretty gross how you decided to include such details as the children drinking the slaves blood off of the floor after his tongue was ripped from his mouth, but I think you are just preparing your reader for more horrifying events to come.
Your introduction of Ravana in your first story post is great. I really like how you outlined his past and family history and then began to delve into how he became so evil. I really like where your story is going. Great job. Keep up the great work.
Hey Barclay! I really enjoyed your storybook. Both of the stories were well written. The introduction was great. I really like how this is a storybook teaching the Rakshasa kids about Ravana. This is one of the more unique storybooks that I have read so far. This storybook is from the Rakshasa’s point of view rather than the usual, which is from the gods, humans, and others. The introduction is also really great because in the other storybooks I have read they are usually teaching children lessons about good things. In this storybook, the stories teach the children about how to be a better Rakshasas. One thing that I thing that needs to be fixed is the way the stories are lined up. I think your second story should be placed first and the first story placed second. The reason I feel this way is because I feel the story about Ravana becoming king should comes first chronologically before Ravana falling in love with Sita. Other than that I was really fond of you stories and they were really well written and seem to always keep the readers attention. I can’t wait to read the other stories that accompany these two stories about Ravana.
I am actually from the Mythology and Folklore class, but for the extra credit assignment this week I wanted to check out some of the Indian Epic storys. I have to say, I really enjoyed reading through your storybook. At the home page, I thought that you made a lot of great stylistic choices. It is really cool how how the vibrant reds and yellows from the image contrast with the cool greys and blues of the background. I'm not familiar with most of the Indian epics, but the image of the character with the ten heads has an almost mesmerizing quality to it. Many of the storybooks that I have seen have had very small images on the home page that are hard to see, so it is great to see a large colorful image instead.
Your introduction to the tale was pretty brutal! I was not expecting for the rakshasa children to drink the blood from the slave, or for the elder to rip out his tongue for that matter. This is definitely no Aesop fables! From the first story however, I can see where these people have gotten their brutality. Ravana is certainly no saint either!
Barclay, I really like your cover art. You chose a great photo to exemplify the rakshashas. I am reading your second story now. Here are my comments: I do not think you need to say “to the death,” instead just say “to death.” It is great that you took the time to explain that the winning slaves have the great opportunity to continue to prove their strength and worth by fighting harder battles. This really puts their situation in perspective for your reader. I love how you used lions in the battle. It is unfair how Ravana gets to pick and choose who lives and who dies of his followers. What a crappy leader. But the way you describe their conversation is perfect. Specifically how Ravana has no mercy for the slave until the slave can give him something useful and then still feels no guilt in sending the slave into a pit of guaranteed death. It is so interesting how the rakshashas will follow Ravana, despite his obvious lack of mercy and compassion-something I find important in a leader, and go to such extremes to prove their loyalty. I like how you have described this trait with the rakshasha who searched for Sita. Oh wow, I was not expecting to see Shupanakha here. Great surprise! It would add something to the story if you explained how she struck down the rakshasha, but I guess it is not necessary. There is a typo: “after rama IS mine.” I liked how you exemplified Ravana as being so vein and small minded that he simply laid back and attempted to imagine her beauty, as if he has nothing better to do. Great job!! Your picture of Sita is great also!
Barclay, I was really excited to get to read your storybook this week since I believe yours is the only one I haven't had the chance to read yet! I really like the theme of your storybook, I think Ravana is such an intriguing character and I love reading all of the different perspectives that people have about him. At first glance of your storybook, I really really liked your cover page. The image that you chose to use is just amazing! It really captures the eye and grabbed my attention right off the bat making me want to go on to read it! I really liked your introduction, I think you did a really great job at explaining what you were going to be doing with your story book. I love that you chose to to have the stories being told of Ravana to the Rakshasa children. I love all of the detail that you added into your stories, you really did a good job at creating a picture for us. You did a really good job with character development as well. I was also surprised to see that you added Shupanakha in your story. That was a really cool surprise! I really like how you portrayed Ravana's overall character. I really enjoyed reading your storybook, and I really hope to get to read more of it in the future! Great Job!
Barclay! I am glad I chose you as the free choice because I am super impressed with your storybook idea! I must say you are very creative and your storybook looks fabulous. I loved the cover page because the picture is just that beautiful it conveys so much and the picture just screams attention. I love the title you chose for your storybook because I think Ravana is a huge character is Ramayana and I am glad you chose him to do your storybook over. Your introduction is simple yet enough for your readers to feel anticipated about what’s to come. I think you did a great job conveying whatever it is that you wanted to in your introduction because it sure is appealing. I enjoyed the titles mainly because they grab the readers attention a little bit more, which is super exciting! I loved how you wrote each story because it was easy to easy to follow while reading and also easy to understand what is going on throughout the stories. I loved the titles on both the additional stories and you did a great job writing them. I must say you have it all done right and everything looks great in your book. I also liked the pictures you chose because they aren't too much they are just right for the story. I loved both the stories and the cover page is my favorite!
Hey Barclay. I chose your storybook as one of my free choices for this week’s commenting. I had originally intended for my storybook (about brothers in the Ramayana) to contain a story about Ravana and Vibhishana, but I was having a lot of trouble writing a story about the background of their relationship. I found the picture on your coverpage very interesting. Between the title and the picture, the storybook will obviously be focuses on Ravana. One question that immediately came to mind was “Why is Hanuman with Ravana?” Perhaps the picture is supposed to represent the time that Hanuman jumped to Lanka, but I’m not certain. Maybe there will be a story about it later on. In your introduction, I noticed that you don’t have a picture. This might be something to consider adding if you find time later on. Aside from this, the introduction was great. I kind of expected Ravana to be the narrator, but I like that your story is set after his death. The part about the tongue being ripped out, and the children trying to feed on the blood was interesting, but very believable. The story about Ravana’s rise was also great! You definitely gave me some good insight to his character that should prove helpful in writing my story about Ravana and Vibhishana’s relationship. I really enjoyed the picture that you chose for this story as well.
This was my first trip to your storybook, so I am first going to discuss your page and introduction. I thought the layout was solid, although it is obviously pretty minimalistic. I think the picture on your home page is really vibrant, which makes the rest of the page a tad dull. As for your intro, I thought the first paragraph was pretty interesting and gripping. I don't know what it is exactly, but the torturing of the slaves and how nonchalant the Rakshasa children were made it pretty chilling and dark. The guardian just walks in and instead of scorning the children for the terrible acts, he tells them to cease because they should yearn to torture something greater. That was really interesting to read.
Oh, and the rest of your intro reads in that same terribly interesting way. The Rakshasa elder lops off the tongue of a man and the children laugh at him. I like how you brought Rama into the story as well, making sure that we all know Rama is not going to be described in a favorable light. I think the perspective of the Rakshasas in this story is awesome and chilling, as previously stated.
Your cover page includes a large picture for the reader and I like how Ravana is the main character in this piece. I am not sure how Hanuman fits into this storybook but the depiction of these characters is very artistic. I think that your background could use a little color though (maybe like flames or skulls or something along the lines of evil demons to go with the story). I think you have a very intriguing introduction. It is just as gory and ugly as I would expect coming from a rakshasa centered theme. I love that you included the demons as children picking on the slaves, this is creepy and fits creates the mood of the storybook. With the rakshasa’s being children in your intro, I think story time with the elder is a great way to set up the storybook as well! The story I read this week was ‘Ravana’s Rise’. I like how you were able to do a lot of research in order to tell a fact driven story of Ravana’s birth and rise to power. I think that adding in his childhood woes as being bullied and then what he did about that created the framework for his treacherous character flaws as an adult. Great idea to have him be sneaky and cold hearted in order to gain the throne from his brother. I also think you have a solid authors note that allows the reader to see your direction for the storybook as it progresses. Great work!
He, good morning, Barclay! I absolutely loved your storybook about Ravana. The layout was nice and neat. I’ve witnessed so many storybooks that have abrasive color schemes and difficult font to read. Your style on the other hand makes for a very pleasant read. The only thing I might change as far as the layout goes is maybe a little more spacing between lines. While the page breaks are great, I found myself repeating a line or two. As for the content of the storybook, you totally caught my attention right off the bat. The title for each section was well named and spurred my interest before I even began to read. For instance, Ravana’s Rise just sounds like an awesome yet horrifying story. I also really liked the story telling character you have sharing Ravana’s story to the younger rakshasas. The way in which you have him telling the story as though there may be a second coming of Ravana was ingenious. It kind of makes you think about the whole recantation aspect of culture and how Ravana could make a comeback. Well I can’t wait to read more of your stories in the future. Keep up the good work.
Hi Barlcay, as we had free choices on who to comment on this week for our story book choices, I decided to comment on yours because I had never been put in the same group as you so I never got a chance to read your stories. Your first page on your website really got my attention with that huge picture. I also really liked your idea for your story book, mainly because Ravan is not really liked since he is the villain of the first epic we read in this class. I also found it weird that you picked to tell the story of a villain, but at the same time impressed at your work. I really liked your story Ravana’s rise. I can see that you put a lot of time and effort into actually getting to know Ravan. I thought your story was a very good read and it was also very smooth to read. I could not really find any grammar errors, I am assuming because it has already been grammar checked by Dr. Gibbs. I also could not find anything that could help you make your storybook project or your stories better. Overall I thought it was a great read and a great idea.
Barclay, I absolutely love your third story, Ravana’s Plot. I think you are doing such an incredible job of speaking for Ravana and sharing his thoughts with your readers. The specific details you added here such as when you described how the horrifying slave fights were not satisfying him any longer as his desires for Sita grew stronger. It is almost as if Ravana has a little piece of good in him because of his strong desire for Sita, a person with so much good inside of her.
When you added the part about how Ravana was relieved that Sita, a woman who he currently has no real attachment to other than a mere desire, was not injured and his sister was mutilated but he did not care, I knew that he had no true love in his heart to give to anyone.
The fact that Ravana can so easily decapitate his own sister instills a fear in your readers minds: “What will Ravana do next?”, “What is he capable of?”, “Where do his allegiances lie?” You are really doing a wonderful job of exemplifying exactly who Ravana is and what he represents and lives for. This power that Ravana promises his subjects seems a little delusional on his part… What power does he have to give to others? He is no god? I was a little confused here.
I noticed no grammatical errors, I think you are usually pretty good about that. I really enjoyed this story. You are doing a really terrific job and I look forward to your fourth and final post!
This is my second trip to your storybook, Barclay. Every time I come, it just keeps getting better and better with new, interesting stories! Your stories that are told from Ravana’s point of view are really cool! I think you are doing a great job with this topic. Moreover, your language is what really attracts me to your stories. You are excellent at using descriptive language and hooking the reader with unique sentences. I hate reading things that do not have elaborate, articulate sentences. Your storybook does an excellent job at this! I like how you mention parts about Ravana and Sita and how Ravana does not have any deep love for Sita, it is simply a physical attraction rather than an emotional attraction. I think that this is an important part to touch on because it shows that Rama is the only one who really loves Sita and can give her the love she desires. I like how powerful you make Ravana because it leads to suspenseful situations in the readers minds. The readers are constantly ponder what Ravana will do next and who he will hurt next. Overall, great storybook! I’m glad I got to read your writing over the semester!
Barclay, I have really appreciated all of your comments throughout the semester. You were always so motivating and positive. Thanks for the extra comments every once in a while on my famous last words posts. Good luck with finals and good luck with medical school!
Hey Barclay. Just wanted to say thank you and express my gratitude for all of the feedback you left me over the semester. You helped keep me on track with positive vibes and constructive criticism.
Barclay, I like what you initially have going on with your storybook. I think you have chosen a good topic that will allow you a lot of wiggle room and creative control over where the stories take us. From reading your introduction it seems as though you are going to base your storybook off a storytelling setting in which an Elder of Lanka describes the feats of Ravana to its young inhabitants. I think this is a good beginning for the introduction but it may later limit the amount of conversation that can be had during the retellings you choose to work with. From the other works I have looked at the home page is the initial view we will have to your storybook and is used to draw your audience in and continue their interest in your work. I would suggest elaborating on your design of this page by adding more pictures and possibly darkening up the design, it is Ravana who you are talking about. You might also add a small description on the home page of what it is that your storybook describes and gives your readers a peak at what is in store further within. I don't mean to be overly critical but I hope my comments will help you in the long run. You have a great start and just need to keep on expanding.
ReplyDeleteGood introduction, Barclay. I like the images you paint in the readers mind with the descriptive adjectives at the beginning of the introduction. I also think it does a great job hooking the reader into the story. However, one thing you could work on is keeping this “hooking” theme throughout the entire introduction. I felt that as I progressed through your introduction, the descriptive adjectives and enticing properties of the introduction seemed to disappear. However, your writing was very clear and concise. I felt that I was able to quickly capture what you wanted to say without trying to decipher your thesis from a bunch of fluff. I felt you did an excellent job relating the stories to the Ramayana. You chose a pretty loose topic, so you will be able to come up with some pretty interesting stuff for your storybooks! One thing I would work on is the layout of the storybook. I think your storybook could use a larger image on the front page. The larger image would draw the reader into your story more and paint a more descriptive picture in the readers mind. Maybe add a picture or 2 on the introduction page itself? I just think you need more direct attention grabbers, but overall great storybook!
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your comments on my blog! I really appreciate your comment about my storybook and I'm so glad that my storybook has inspired you to work on the layout of yours. (:
ReplyDeleteHome Page: I would enjoy the picture being a lot larger to better grab people’s attention.
ReplyDeleteIntroduction: Did Ravana build a throne room? I thought Viswakarman was the architect of all of Lanka. Viswakarman built Lanka for Ravana’s family long before he was born. It is something to look into.
O how detailed a gruesome. I like how you captured the true character of the evil rakshasas by showing that they did not hesitate to deform one of their human servants. Not only did they not hesitate they also enjoyed it.
One other thought is the time line of Lanka. After Ravana was defeated, his brother, Vibhishana (the one who took refuge with Rama), took over Lanka. Vibhishana was a GOOD rakshasas and fairly ruled over Lanka. Clearly your story takes place after Ravana is defeated, so what happens to the good rule of Vibhishana? How do the demons once again go back to their evil ways? Do they? These were some things I noticed about your story. I get what you are trying to do by having Ravana’s story told by future fellow evil demons and I like the idea, but Viswakarman and Vibhishana might be characters to consider when revising and writing future stories.
The Legend of Ravana: Again I would make the picture a little larger, to draw more attention to it. In the author’s note you said that you did research on Ravana’s story, but I didn’t see a citation in your bibliography. You should include that source (Mainly because I wanted to read more about your story and that would have been very helpful just to be able to click on a link.). Honestly I don’t recall a lot of Ravana’s beginning story because it confused me a bit. So in that way I really liked how reading your story served as a little bit of clarification on what happened.
Hey, Barclay! Your storybook is really good so far- I like how much detail you included and how you were able to come up with your own explanations and ideas on how Ravana became so powerful. Your introduction was very dramatic and you did a good job of emphasizing the darkness of the rakshasas and how even as children they are trained to be bloodthirsty and terrible. I couldn’t help but cringe for the slave but that was probably the point so you did a good job on that. As for your first story, I loved the ideas you had about how Ravana was bright and how he was really cunning – those are key qualities for powerful leaders of dark intent. Also, you set up the storybook for another story in a really great way. The content of the storybook is very good; if I had to make a suggestion, I would encourage you to pick darker colors/background for the site so that it seems more dark and scary as opposed to white and not so scary. Besides that, your content is wonderful and I am really looking forward to reading more of your storybook. Keep up the wonderful work!
ReplyDeleteReally great first story, Barclay. I like how formal it is. It really comes across as a serious, historically important story that was perfectly told. I like how you used the storytelling theme in your storybook. It really makes me feel like I am sitting next to a camp fire listening to you tell stories of Rama and Ravana, so it makes it a lot more interesting an entertaining! I like how you start off your first story by relating Ravana to the kids listening to the story when you said, “Ravana had a mother and father just like each one of you.” I think it really adds to the story telling theme of your project and is great descriptive language! You did a great job going into detail about each of the characters and accurately conveying the important aspects about each character with a limited number of words, so great job with that! Even though you really stick to a storytelling theme, maybe you could have the kids ask a question or two in your story and then answer it. I think it shows that you are actively engaged in telling the story and would add some more dialog to the story. Overall, great job!
ReplyDeleteHi Barclay! I enjoyed reading your storybook! The image at the beginning was excellent and it was very complementary to your design and topic. I like how your design is simple yet interesting-- it doesn't distract from your story. The introduction was very good. I might suggest a picture to give the page more pop. It can be hard to read a block of text, but perhaps a picture and also more spacing might draw readers in. Once I started reading, I couldn't stop. You had a great use of setting and characters. The repulsive things the children did were put into context with them being rakshasas, and you portrayed that well. I like the story for your first title; I'm a huge fan of alliteration, so I loved the sound of it. I really liked reading about Ravana's origin; it's not something I read in my research. It was great reading something not in the Ramayana. In your notes you mentioned you wanted to portray Ravana as ruthless and cunning, and you accomplished that. One suggestion that is just personal preference, no need to do it, maybe have the children ask questions or interject? It would add some richness on top of a great work. Great job!
ReplyDeleteWhere is your introduction label?
ReplyDeleteBarclay, I really like the cover art you have chosen on your cover page. It is a terrific depiction of Ravana. I think that you could add a little pizazz to your storybook’s theme, but whatever floats your boat. You need to add an image to your introduction, its required. I am surprised that Professor Gibbs did not get you on that. Otherwise, I really enjoyed the introduction to your story. You are a terrific writer, as I have noted on your other posts. I do not think you need a comma between foes and “and slaves stood by ready.” Your story has quite the negative and almost haunting tone. I do not like reading about how the children tortured the human slaves. I like the way you began your story with one of the elder rakshasas telling a story. I think it is pretty gross how you decided to include such details as the children drinking the slaves blood off of the floor after his tongue was ripped from his mouth, but I think you are just preparing your reader for more horrifying events to come.
ReplyDeleteYour introduction of Ravana in your first story post is great. I really like how you outlined his past and family history and then began to delve into how he became so evil. I really like where your story is going. Great job. Keep up the great work.
Hey Barclay! I really enjoyed your storybook. Both of the stories were well written. The introduction was great. I really like how this is a storybook teaching the Rakshasa kids about Ravana. This is one of the more unique storybooks that I have read so far. This storybook is from the Rakshasa’s point of view rather than the usual, which is from the gods, humans, and others. The introduction is also really great because in the other storybooks I have read they are usually teaching children lessons about good things. In this storybook, the stories teach the children about how to be a better Rakshasas. One thing that I thing that needs to be fixed is the way the stories are lined up. I think your second story should be placed first and the first story placed second. The reason I feel this way is because I feel the story about Ravana becoming king should comes first chronologically before Ravana falling in love with Sita. Other than that I was really fond of you stories and they were really well written and seem to always keep the readers attention. I can’t wait to read the other stories that accompany these two stories about Ravana.
ReplyDeleteHey Barclay!
ReplyDeleteI am actually from the Mythology and Folklore class, but for the extra credit assignment this week I wanted to check out some of the Indian Epic storys. I have to say, I really enjoyed reading through your storybook. At the home page, I thought that you made a lot of great stylistic choices. It is really cool how how the vibrant reds and yellows from the image contrast with the cool greys and blues of the background. I'm not familiar with most of the Indian epics, but the image of the character with the ten heads has an almost mesmerizing quality to it. Many of the storybooks that I have seen have had very small images on the home page that are hard to see, so it is great to see a large colorful image instead.
Your introduction to the tale was pretty brutal! I was not expecting for the rakshasa children to drink the blood from the slave, or for the elder to rip out his tongue for that matter. This is definitely no Aesop fables! From the first story however, I can see where these people have gotten their brutality. Ravana is certainly no saint either!
Barclay, I really like your cover art. You chose a great photo to exemplify the rakshashas. I am reading your second story now. Here are my comments:
ReplyDeleteI do not think you need to say “to the death,” instead just say “to death.” It is great that you took the time to explain that the winning slaves have the great opportunity to continue to prove their strength and worth by fighting harder battles. This really puts their situation in perspective for your reader. I love how you used lions in the battle. It is unfair how Ravana gets to pick and choose who lives and who dies of his followers. What a crappy leader. But the way you describe their conversation is perfect. Specifically how Ravana has no mercy for the slave until the slave can give him something useful and then still feels no guilt in sending the slave into a pit of guaranteed death. It is so interesting how the rakshashas will follow Ravana, despite his obvious lack of mercy and compassion-something I find important in a leader, and go to such extremes to prove their loyalty. I like how you have described this trait with the rakshasha who searched for Sita. Oh wow, I was not expecting to see Shupanakha here. Great surprise! It would add something to the story if you explained how she struck down the rakshasha, but I guess it is not necessary. There is a typo: “after rama IS mine.” I liked how you exemplified Ravana as being so vein and small minded that he simply laid back and attempted to imagine her beauty, as if he has nothing better to do. Great job!!
Your picture of Sita is great also!
Barclay, I was really excited to get to read your storybook this week since I believe yours is the only one I haven't had the chance to read yet! I really like the theme of your storybook, I think Ravana is such an intriguing character and I love reading all of the different perspectives that people have about him. At first glance of your storybook, I really really liked your cover page. The image that you chose to use is just amazing! It really captures the eye and grabbed my attention right off the bat making me want to go on to read it! I really liked your introduction, I think you did a really great job at explaining what you were going to be doing with your story book. I love that you chose to to have the stories being told of Ravana to the Rakshasa children. I love all of the detail that you added into your stories, you really did a good job at creating a picture for us. You did a really good job with character development as well. I was also surprised to see that you added Shupanakha in your story. That was a really cool surprise! I really like how you portrayed Ravana's overall character. I really enjoyed reading your storybook, and I really hope to get to read more of it in the future! Great Job!
ReplyDeleteBarclay! I am glad I chose you as the free choice because I am super impressed with your storybook idea! I must say you are very creative and your storybook looks fabulous. I loved the cover page because the picture is just that beautiful it conveys so much and the picture just screams attention. I love the title you chose for your storybook because I think Ravana is a huge character is Ramayana and I am glad you chose him to do your storybook over. Your introduction is simple yet enough for your readers to feel anticipated about what’s to come. I think you did a great job conveying whatever it is that you wanted to in your introduction because it sure is appealing. I enjoyed the titles mainly because they grab the readers attention a little bit more, which is super exciting! I loved how you wrote each story because it was easy to easy to follow while reading and also easy to understand what is going on throughout the stories. I loved the titles on both the additional stories and you did a great job writing them. I must say you have it all done right and everything looks great in your book. I also liked the pictures you chose because they aren't too much they are just right for the story. I loved both the stories and the cover page is my favorite!
ReplyDeleteHey Barclay. I chose your storybook as one of my free choices for this week’s commenting. I had originally intended for my storybook (about brothers in the Ramayana) to contain a story about Ravana and Vibhishana, but I was having a lot of trouble writing a story about the background of their relationship.
ReplyDeleteI found the picture on your coverpage very interesting. Between the title and the picture, the storybook will obviously be focuses on Ravana. One question that immediately came to mind was “Why is Hanuman with Ravana?” Perhaps the picture is supposed to represent the time that Hanuman jumped to Lanka, but I’m not certain. Maybe there will be a story about it later on.
In your introduction, I noticed that you don’t have a picture. This might be something to consider adding if you find time later on. Aside from this, the introduction was great. I kind of expected Ravana to be the narrator, but I like that your story is set after his death. The part about the tongue being ripped out, and the children trying to feed on the blood was interesting, but very believable.
The story about Ravana’s rise was also great! You definitely gave me some good insight to his character that should prove helpful in writing my story about Ravana and Vibhishana’s relationship. I really enjoyed the picture that you chose for this story as well.
Hi Barclay,
ReplyDeleteThis was my first trip to your storybook, so I am first going to discuss your page and introduction. I thought the layout was solid, although it is obviously pretty minimalistic. I think the picture on your home page is really vibrant, which makes the rest of the page a tad dull. As for your intro, I thought the first paragraph was pretty interesting and gripping. I don't know what it is exactly, but the torturing of the slaves and how nonchalant the Rakshasa children were made it pretty chilling and dark. The guardian just walks in and instead of scorning the children for the terrible acts, he tells them to cease because they should yearn to torture something greater. That was really interesting to read.
Oh, and the rest of your intro reads in that same terribly interesting way. The Rakshasa elder lops off the tongue of a man and the children laugh at him. I like how you brought Rama into the story as well, making sure that we all know Rama is not going to be described in a favorable light. I think the perspective of the Rakshasas in this story is awesome and chilling, as previously stated.
Your cover page includes a large picture for the reader and I like how Ravana is the main character in this piece. I am not sure how Hanuman fits into this storybook but the depiction of these characters is very artistic. I think that your background could use a little color though (maybe like flames or skulls or something along the lines of evil demons to go with the story).
ReplyDeleteI think you have a very intriguing introduction. It is just as gory and ugly as I would expect coming from a rakshasa centered theme. I love that you included the demons as children picking on the slaves, this is creepy and fits creates the mood of the storybook. With the rakshasa’s being children in your intro, I think story time with the elder is a great way to set up the storybook as well!
The story I read this week was ‘Ravana’s Rise’. I like how you were able to do a lot of research in order to tell a fact driven story of Ravana’s birth and rise to power. I think that adding in his childhood woes as being bullied and then what he did about that created the framework for his treacherous character flaws as an adult. Great idea to have him be sneaky and cold hearted in order to gain the throne from his brother. I also think you have a solid authors note that allows the reader to see your direction for the storybook as it progresses. Great work!
He, good morning, Barclay! I absolutely loved your storybook about Ravana. The layout was nice and neat. I’ve witnessed so many storybooks that have abrasive color schemes and difficult font to read. Your style on the other hand makes for a very pleasant read. The only thing I might change as far as the layout goes is maybe a little more spacing between lines. While the page breaks are great, I found myself repeating a line or two. As for the content of the storybook, you totally caught my attention right off the bat. The title for each section was well named and spurred my interest before I even began to read. For instance, Ravana’s Rise just sounds like an awesome yet horrifying story. I also really liked the story telling character you have sharing Ravana’s story to the younger rakshasas. The way in which you have him telling the story as though there may be a second coming of Ravana was ingenious. It kind of makes you think about the whole recantation aspect of culture and how Ravana could make a comeback. Well I can’t wait to read more of your stories in the future. Keep up the good work.
ReplyDeleteHi Barlcay, as we had free choices on who to comment on this week for our story book choices, I decided to comment on yours because I had never been put in the same group as you so I never got a chance to read your stories. Your first page on your website really got my attention with that huge picture. I also really liked your idea for your story book, mainly because Ravan is not really liked since he is the villain of the first epic we read in this class. I also found it weird that you picked to tell the story of a villain, but at the same time impressed at your work. I really liked your story Ravana’s rise. I can see that you put a lot of time and effort into actually getting to know Ravan. I thought your story was a very good read and it was also very smooth to read. I could not really find any grammar errors, I am assuming because it has already been grammar checked by Dr. Gibbs. I also could not find anything that could help you make your storybook project or your stories better. Overall I thought it was a great read and a great idea.
ReplyDeleteBarclay, I absolutely love your third story, Ravana’s Plot. I think you are doing such an incredible job of speaking for Ravana and sharing his thoughts with your readers. The specific details you added here such as when you described how the horrifying slave fights were not satisfying him any longer as his desires for Sita grew stronger. It is almost as if Ravana has a little piece of good in him because of his strong desire for Sita, a person with so much good inside of her.
ReplyDeleteWhen you added the part about how Ravana was relieved that Sita, a woman who he currently has no real attachment to other than a mere desire, was not injured and his sister was mutilated but he did not care, I knew that he had no true love in his heart to give to anyone.
The fact that Ravana can so easily decapitate his own sister instills a fear in your readers minds: “What will Ravana do next?”, “What is he capable of?”, “Where do his allegiances lie?” You are really doing a wonderful job of exemplifying exactly who Ravana is and what he represents and lives for. This power that Ravana promises his subjects seems a little delusional on his part… What power does he have to give to others? He is no god? I was a little confused here.
I noticed no grammatical errors, I think you are usually pretty good about that. I really enjoyed this story. You are doing a really terrific job and I look forward to your fourth and final post!
This is my second trip to your storybook, Barclay. Every time I come, it just keeps getting better and better with new, interesting stories! Your stories that are told from Ravana’s point of view are really cool! I think you are doing a great job with this topic. Moreover, your language is what really attracts me to your stories. You are excellent at using descriptive language and hooking the reader with unique sentences. I hate reading things that do not have elaborate, articulate sentences. Your storybook does an excellent job at this! I like how you mention parts about Ravana and Sita and how Ravana does not have any deep love for Sita, it is simply a physical attraction rather than an emotional attraction. I think that this is an important part to touch on because it shows that Rama is the only one who really loves Sita and can give her the love she desires. I like how powerful you make Ravana because it leads to suspenseful situations in the readers minds. The readers are constantly ponder what Ravana will do next and who he will hurt next. Overall, great storybook! I’m glad I got to read your writing over the semester!
ReplyDeleteThanks for your comments over the semester! I really enjoyed being in class with you.
ReplyDeleteI have really appreciated the consistent comments this semester. Thanks for all the help and continued motivation.
ReplyDeleteBarclay,
ReplyDeleteI have really appreciated all of your comments throughout the semester. You were always so motivating and positive. Thanks for the extra comments every once in a while on my famous last words posts. Good luck with finals and good luck with medical school!
Hey Barclay. Just wanted to say thank you and express my gratitude for all of the feedback you left me over the semester. You helped keep me on track with positive vibes and constructive criticism.
ReplyDelete